A few days ago, I ended up spending some time with a person who I did not know very well. I was looking forward to this meeting as much as I look forward to a dentist appointment.

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There would be no escape – it was just me and her, trapped in the conversation, without anybody else to come to the rescue in case we did not have anything to say to each other. On top of that, we were in the confines of her apartment and waiting for a friend to join us with several hours of delay – so I couldn’t use some usual excuse like “oh, I need to go pick up my kids.” In addition, being an expert on interpersonal and communication skills, I felt extra pressure on being able to manage the discussion. Right?

So. We sat down and had our coffee. I tried to start the conversation with some usual starter questions like, “So nice to meet you. Emily said so many nice things about you.”

What next? OK – let’s try the obvious. “What do you actually do?” A short answer. Oh dear, what to ask next. Oh, “uum, where are you from?” “How long have you been here?” “How do you like it?”

The anxiety about not knowing what to say was obviously very mutual. Whenever one of us asked a question, the other one responded with the obvious “and what about you? [What do you do? Where are you from? Do you like it here? How many kids do you have?]”

During our conversation, I spent lots of time and energy thinking about what I could ask next, and I got more and more nervous when I only knew one more question that stood between us and awkward silence.

Then I realized I had to focus on one core communication principle.

During my training courses, I often quote Stephen Covey’s “we don’t listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to answer.” This was my mistake: I was not really listening with the intent to truly get to know the person. I spent the conversation being dead worried about the potential awkwardness of silence. So my brain was focused on “oh my god, what can I ask next?” When I stopped focusing on coming up with more questions, I started focusing on listening. The moment I did this, I heard bits and pieces that were very interesting. Little things that I intuitively wanted to know more about. And as if by magic, the right questions came and the conversation started to flow.

“How did you end up in this particular field?”
“What do you most appreciate about your job?”
“What were your thoughts related to leaving your home country?”
“What do you feel is the most difficult part about being a parent?”

These questions naturally resulted from our unique life circumstances. We both have an international background, both professional people, and we both have kids. The exact wording of the questions I asked is not what matters. I don’t need you to write down these questions to add them to your repertoire of small talk questions. Quite the contrary. My advice is to turn on your “people interest” switch, and you’ll see that conversation will flow. Dig deeper to ask people for their story, and for how they think and feel in a particular situation. Pick up intuitively on what they’re saying, rather than consciously thinking what you will ask next. Because that’s how you get to truly know someone.

We ended up chatting for several hours. And it was a truly enjoyable conversation. Some of the questions that came up were very deep. They were questions about relationships, feelings, and even spiritual beliefs.

When I stopped planning for the next question, I stopped going the perceived safe way, and it was then that a genuine connection occurred.

When you let go, when you start focusing on getting to know the person better, that’s when you dare to care.

 

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