Those fond childhood memories of family excursions to the ice cream parlour, baking cookies with our mothers, and the jovial dentists who rewarded us with treats after enduring a check-up… they’ve long conditioned us to associate food (especially sweets) with comfort and love. So it’s no surprise that our natural instinct is to dig through entire pints of ice cream, searching for some kind of solace from the extreme heartache and loss we experience during our divorce.

It’s called “emotional eating”, and it’s today’s most common coping mechanism for women and mothers going through divorce or any form of mid-life stress.

Lisa Kotin is a recovering sugar addict who understands the psychology of emotional eating all too well. For over three decades she turned to food as her remedy for depression, stress, failed relationships, and everything else that stirred the bottomless hole always looming in her soul. Six years ago, Lisa’s life long struggle as a high functioning, full-blown sugar junkie finally took its toll.

She was diagnosed with a serious health problem that scared her into recovery – and it also prompted her to share her personal story in her recently released book, My Confection: Odyssey of a Sugar Addict (Beacon Press). Lisa has also become an inspirational figure, helping other women to kick their emotional eating habits with healthy alternatives and a mindful approach to life. After sharing her insight at the recent 2016 KICK SUGAR ADDICTION WORLD SUMMIT, I contacted Lisa directly and she was happy to discuss her experience and share her advice.

After hiding your sugar addiction for so many years, what finally prompted you to share your experience in a tell-all book?

There are tons of books written about all types of addiction and advice on healthy eating, but nothing that really examines the reality of sugar addiction through someone’s personal experience. Yet I always overhear women talking about their relationship with sugar, how “bad” they’ve been or how “good” they’ve been… assessing themselves by what they eat. I realized that sugar addiction and emotional eating is a widespread problem and there are so many women who share the things I secretly struggled with for so many years. I wanted to write a personal memoir that people could relate to on many levels and also start a social dialogue about the serious and dangerous reality of sugar addiction.

What are some of the telltale signs of a serious sugar addict?

It’s pretty much like any addiction. You can be a social drinker or someone who eats a lot of sugar and not have a problem. It’s when you start doing it alone and you develop your own special relationship with food or alcohol that it starts taking over your life and becomes a serious problem. Women going through a divorce or mothers sharing custody with their ex often find themselves developing addictive patterns such as going right to the fridge after a disagreement or an emotional conversation.

Depression is a completely understandable and absolutely normal response to ending a relationship, and it’s also okay to coddle yourself with the simple pleasure of your favorite ice cream once in a while. But when food becomes your go-to response every time you’re stressed or upset and you stop caring about your health or start believing his cruel remarks about your body, it’s a problem you need to address.

Why do so many women turn to sugar as a way of coping with stress and emotional turmoil?  

There is a lot of research showing the correlation between men and women’s biological differences and the different foods we crave. Typically, men crave more meat and women crave more sweets – and there are many different theories as to why. Women are especially prone during times of crisis because stress changes our hormone levels, which causes us to crave sugary and fatty foods. Our serotonin levels are also lowered, which causes us to crave chocolate – not only because it tastes so damn good but also because chocolate has dopamine, which is basically a quick fix that raises our serotonin levels again.

Also, women just have a more complicated relationship with food in general. The pressure we feel to uphold a certain body image makes a lot of women see food as both a reward and punishment or the only thing that we can control when we feel ourselves losing control in other areas of our lives.

Is sugar addiction really as bad as drug and alcohol addiction?

Absolutely. It may not be as obvious or as expensive as other addictions but the outcome can be just as grave. I strongly suggest everyone watch Sugar: The Bitter Truth on YouTube. Dr. Robert H. Lustig has done extensive research on how sugar affects our bodies and leads to serious illness such as heart disease and cancer. In the long term, processed food and sugars can be just as deadly as alcohol and drugs.

What were some of your lowest lows as a full-blown sugar junkie?

One low I can at least look back on and laugh at now. I joined a mime troupe in San Francisco during my late teens and we were having a celebration type event outside with a bunch of tables set up with food. It started to rain heavy enough that the entire party moved indoors, except for me. I stayed outside alone in the pouring rain, hunched over the food table – and ate the entire carrot cake using the cutting knife as my fork.

There are also the countless times I’ve been at other people’s homes and would offer to make everyone tea just so I could escape to the kitchen and go through their cupboards eating every sugary thing I could find.

But the worst low came later in life, as a mother. I had gotten in the habit of eating my daughter’s Halloween and Easter candy every year but I was always quick enough to replace it before she found out. Then one year, she discovered all of her candy missing before I had the chance to replace it and she was devastated. Not so much because of the candy, thankfully she doesn’t have a sweet tooth like me, she was more devastated that her own mother would do something like that. It was heartbreaking and yet it still wasn’t enough to make me stop.

What finally convinced you to get help?

Six years ago I started getting really sick and having a lot of problems with my stomach. I was diagnosed with Metaplasia in my small intestine, which is basically damaged cell tissue in the early stages of cancer. Both my mother and grandmother died of cancer, so that was enough to scare me into making serious changes.

You tried a lot of different things and even relapsed a few times. What finally helped you kick your sugar addiction and stay in recovery?

I tried countless cleanses and at one point I even moved into a “recovery” house that enforced a strict macrobiotic diet. Needless to say, restricting myself only made me rebel more and I got kicked out after a month because they found candy bar wrappers in my futon. It wasn’t until a few years ago, when I gave Overeaters Anonymous a second try, that things finally clicked for me. Being able to connect with others who share the same struggles really helped me come to terms with my sugar addiction and the many underlying triggers. I realized that being healthy isn’t just about food choices, it’s about our entire outlook and response to life.

Is there a one-size-fits-all solution to kicking sugar addiction and overcoming emotional eating? Or are there different approaches that work better for different people?

Everyone has different triggers, whether it’s divorce or job stress or the pressure of parenting, and there are also different solutions that work better for some people. But the best advice that works for most women is simply finding healthy alternatives to sugar. Exercise, read a book, eat a bowl of fruit, drink water, call a friend, practice mindfulness to determine what it is you really need in your life, anything you can do to respond to a negative trigger with a positive action will keep you moving forward. If you slip, forgive yourself and don’t fall into a shame trap. Soon those positive habits will become your natural way of life.

How has your life changed in your recovery?

It’s not so much that my life has changed, it’s that my outlook has changed. If we learn to live with gratitude and try to be present rather than dwell on the past or worry about the future, we embody a state of mind that allows us to be forgiving of ourselves, forgiving of others and accepting of what is, rather than focusing on what isn’t. No matter how alone you might feel sometimes, you really aren’t alone and it’s just a matter of reaching out and connecting

No matter how alone you might feel sometimes, you really aren’t alone and it’s just a matter of reaching out and connecting with others or being open to those reaching out to you. There is so much sweetness in life beyond sugar if we choose to look for it.

Lisa Kotin’s book, My Confection: Odyssey of a Sugar Addict is now available in the UK.

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Is it really humanly possible to be a single mom success story in today’s competitive world?

The answer is yes. But it requires us to take a more mindful approach to how we spend our time with our children rather than how much time.

Make “Meaningful” Your New Measure Of Parent Time

The first piece of good news is that working moms no longer have to bear the guilt or subscribe to the school of thought that they’re inevitably lesser parents than stay-at-home moms. Much research conducted over the last few years has completely contradicted the conventional assumption that the amount of time mothers spend with their children has a direct relation to the child’s well being and future outcome.

In fact, one study shows that the amount of time either parent spends with their kids between the ages of 3 and 11 has virtually no relationship to how children turn out, and a very minimal effect on adolescents as well.

Several more studies have further demonstrated that it’s really the quality of time that counts and mothers who are more productive and fulfilled in their own lives are better role models than martyrs who put their own needs aside.

Being divorced often means you have no choice but to re-establish your independence as both a person and a parent. Rather than being stressed about the amount of time you spend away from your children, be proud of your accomplishments and focus on being present and creating meaningful moments when you are with them.

A Present Parent Starts With The Right Mindset

Surviving your divorce and thriving in your new life requires a clear and present mindset that allows you to get through the daily challenges and stay connected to yourself, to others and your purpose. This mindset is also especially important for creating a positive connection with your children.

In fact, research has shown that parents who are regularly stressed, anxious, irritable, and distracted in their children’s presence have a more negative effect than parents who spend less time with their children. Let that be your motivation to get through this divorce and ensure you are healthy, happy, and whole again!

Meditate

Meditation, in any form, is proven to be the most effective and fast acting tool for ridding yourself of the day’s stress, connecting to the present, and coping with the challenges of being a parent. Whether it’s a yoga class after work, a guided meditation in your office or in the car,  a walk around the neighborhood or even five minutes of deep breathing exercises, regular meditation practices will not only give you that much needed sense of calm – your kids will feel much more at peace in your presence as well.

Four Best Ways To Make Your Parenting Time Count

Eat together. The reality of today’s world has most families flying out the door in the morning and not seeing each other again until the day is done. That is precisely why preserving family dinners in your new routine is the best way to ensure you’re connecting with your kids on a daily basis. That hour you all sit together at the table with the TV off and phones away, is invaluable time for everyone to reconnect and share stories, gripes and laughs about the day.

Dates. Spending one on one time with each of your children can just as important as family time. Whether its once a month or once a week, set aside a special time to give each child your undivided attention. A date could be anything from picking them at school and taking them to lunch, tossing the football around the yard or even teaching them a new hobby.

PLAY with them. It doesn’t matter how old your child is, the best way to connect with them is by playing their favorite games. Whether it’s “Peekaboo” with your baby, “Simon Says” with your toddler, soccer with the boys, dress-up with the girls or a dance fest with everyone in the living room, play time is imperative for both you and your kids.

Be available no matter where you are. The bottom line is that your children need to know that you are there for them. When they want your attention give it to them and save your texting and social calls for later. Be that parent who will step out of an important meeting to take their calls at work. Give them constant reassurance that they can tell you what’s on their mind and that you and your ex both love them no matter what.

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None of us are free of guilt and shame.

In many cases, we can link back our own shame to the things our parents said to us as children.

As it turns out, guilt and shame are two of the most powerful human emotions. It is therefore up to us parents to reinforce our children during divorce and reaffirm they are worthy of all the love we can give them.

For most of us however, it isn’t that easy. We’re caught up in our own emotions and are in pain ourselves, which causes us to lose track of what our children desperately need from us.

Despite any habits we may have acquired, we are capable of positive parenting. The first step in this journey is understanding what guilt-shaming is, and the effect it can have on children.

What Is Guilt-Shaming?
While in certain settings guilt is a positive emotion that helps us reign in our impulses, when taken to the extreme it can make us feel worthless and unloved. That is the last thing we want our children to feel.

During a divorce, it’s common for children to feel like they are the ones to blame for the problems their parents are going through. Sadly, we often reinforce this belief by saying things like, “You’re such a bad kid. You drive your father and I nuts.”

What your child hears is something like, “I’m the reason they are breaking up. I’m such an awful person.”

Clearly, that’s the last thing you want them to feel.

While they can take many different forms, guilt and shame ultimately destroy your child’s trust in you and cause their self-confidence to take a nose dive—something children don’t need during a divorce.

Other examples of guilt-shaming include comparing children to their siblings or to other kids you know, labelling them as the ‘bad’ one, and pointing out their flaws in front of others.

How Does It Affect Children?
As I already mentioned, guilt and shame can cause your child to feel unloved. That feeling, in turn, leads to negative behavior that can have an impact on your relationship with them.

For example, think back to when you were a teenager and a time when your parents scolded you for something you did wrong. How did it make you feel? Closer to them? More like ‘obeying’ their rules? Free and capable of making your own decisions? Probably none of the above.

Use that as a guide when you’re disciplining your children. Recognize that what you say to your child actually becomes their own internal dialogue later. What you say about your child causes them to believe it, perhaps for the rest of their lives.

Ultimately, regardless of the fact that going through a divorce is one of the most difficult things you’ve ever done, you have no right to pass that pain on to your children. Children during divorce need more support than ever.

Steps You Can Take To Avoid It
Now that you understand how detrimental it is to your child to add guilt and shame into their daily life, let’s talk about what you can do to avoid this behavior.

Positive parenting is an important aspect of breaking through guilt and shame, and here are a few ways you can throw out negative connotations and replace them with better communication:

Step 1: Focus On The Positive
Instead of always harping on what your children do wrong, focus on what they do right. Let them know when they make you feel proud, and set your bar at a more reasonable place. High expectations lead to disappointments, and we’re all imperfect—even our kids. Learn to focus on their good traits and reflect those qualities back to them whenever you get the chance. This is what positive parenting is all about.

Step 2: Set An Example.
Our children model our behavior, that’s just a fact. If you want your child to act properly, make sure you are doing what you expect of them. Be kind, loving, and avoid hurting them whenever you can. Being more conscious of your actions will help you do this.

Step 3: Resist Negativity.
It’s easy to be negative about your kids, especially when you’re stressed out and emotionally drained from a divorce. However, you owe it to your kids to be their base of positivity. Do your best to resist negativity in any and all forms if you want happy and healthy children.

Step 4. Watch What You Say.
Even seemingly harmless statements like, “You’re just a klutz” and “Quit crying, you sound like a baby. You’re not a baby are you?” are hurtful to your child. They use what you tell them to build a reality about who they are and what they do. No matter how ‘insignificant’ it may seem, everything you say affects your children.

Summary
Guilt and shame can cause a lifetime of pain for our children. Instead of putting them through that, you can adjust your style to positive parenting, and help your children during divorce come out the other side well-adjusted and loved.

Share your experience with these two emotions in the comment section or share your ideas for avoiding guilt and shame with your children. Together we can rid the world of this negative behavior for good.

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These are common emotions every person experiences while going through a divorce. Issues arise when negative emotions lead to more serious problems like arguments and disagreements over child custody.

The question is how to control your emotions while around your ex. Emotions after a breakup run high. You may feel lost and out of place. Grief and depression are also common emotions after a divorce.

Above all, however, you will feel angry – especially when your ex is around. If you share custody, you may find it all the more difficult to control your emotions. But you must. Your own peace of mind depends on it.

“Holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”—Buddha

Those words ring true even today. The more you hold onto your anger, the more it eats away at your happiness and peace. By learning to let go of the pain they caused you and accepting where you are, you can let go of that ‘hot coal’ – and create the life you want.

But how can you drop that figurative ‘hot coal’?

Today, I want to take a look at a few ways you can learn to control your emotions and create a better relationship with yourself and your ex.

Tip #1: Control The Situation
Sure, you can’t control every situation, but there are times when you can control the environment you find yourself in.

For example, if you know that sharing your child’s birthday party with your ex will cause unwanted emotions, avoid the situation. Don’t force yourself to go simply because you feel you have a right to be there.

Another example might be if you find that your ex is often late picking up your child. Why not plan ahead and meet at a department store or somewhere you and your kiddo can grab a bite to eat. If he’s late, it won’t be such a big deal.

Think ahead and diffuse the situation as best as possible to eliminate unwanted emotions.

Tip #2: Focus On What You’re Doing
Instead of being so worried about what your ex is doing, focus on what you’re doing. Focus on your thoughts and feelings about the situation. If you’re caught up in what your ex is doing, or likely isn’t doing, you’re only going to make yourself miserable.

Controlling your emotions starts with understanding them. Determine the source of your anger and what triggers it. Go beyond blaming your ex for how you feel. Remember, you alone are responsible for your suffering and happiness. Like the Buddha said, holding onto your anger only leaves you burnt, not your enemy.

Tip #3: Reframe Your Thoughts
One of the easiest ways to control your emotions is to reframe the context. You feel anger when you feel that someone or something has restrained your goals or desires.

While changing your thoughts won’t change the situation, it can change the way the situation affects you. You can replace your negative thoughts with ones that bring you joy to recondition the way you feel.

As soon as anger hits you, replace the thought you were thinking with another one that brings joy or at the very least is neutral. This guides your mind towards a happier state.

Tip #4: Make Your Kids The Priority
Above everything else, make your children your priority. No amount of anger, sadness, or jealousy can give your kids a better life. If you share children with your ex, put their needs front and center.

Tip #5: Use The Mirroring Technique
When your ex says something you don’t agree with or like, repeat it back to them. This is called a ‘mirroring technique’ and it works by keeping both you and your ex centered on the conversation at hand.

Remember to keep a calm and collected tone. If you come across as sarcastic it could prevent a fruitful conversation.

Tip #6:  Pay Attention To How You Feel

Focus on your emotions rather than the content of what is being said. Analyze why you feel the way you do.

Did your ex make you feel unimportant when he completely ignored your request to meet at a specific time? Hold that emotion and feel your way through it. You cannot feel happy again until you first feel anger. Allow it to subside before you speak.

Tip #7: Act Like You’re Working Out
View maintaining your emotions like an athletic feat. Consider it a ‘workout’ of sorts whenever you have to deal with your ex. Don’t get distracted by the content of the conversation.

Mentally tune it out and simply focus on deep breathing and see how long you can go before feeling like you have to lash out. When you do, refrain.

Tip #8: Allow Time To Pass
If you have a particularly nasty argument with your ex, simply allow time to pass. Sometimes the best way to handle your emotions is to allow them to phase themselves out.

You can’t always control the way you feel, but you can control yourself the next time you come in contact with the person who upset you. Don’t rush to meet up with them again if you’re still upset. Give it as much time as you need.

Tip #9: Try To Listen To Their Side
It’s easy to hate every word that comes out of your ex’s mouth. It’s a much more noble feat to carefully listen to what he has to say and acknowledge when he makes a valid point.

View him as merely the vessel for the content of what he’s saying and maybe you’ll get more from the conversation.

Tip #10: Remember That Anger Only Burns You
Possibly the most important tip is to remember that anger does nothing for you. It doesn’t heal you. It won’t give you back your marriage, and it certainly doesn’t benefit your children.

To heal, you must allow and forgive. Don’t use anger as a crutch. Feel it and be done with it. All else is pointless.

If someone you know is suffering from their own anger, why not share this article with them? The insights I’ve shared may sound simple, but they have a profound effect on those who follow them.

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Self-Development: The process by which a person’s character or abilities are gradually developed.

Both self-determination and self-development require a person to be free and willing to make their own decisions. For most of us, self-development is a constant pursuit – but what we lack is self-determination to make real changes.

If you want to learn how to become a better person, you have to have a measure of self-determination.

Let’s take a closer look at what self-determination involves, and its role in continuous and long-lasting self-development.

What Is Self-Determination

Put simply, self-determination allows you to make the changes you need to live a full and happy life. Even in relationships, this quality can be lessened, causing you to lack the skills you need to develop into the person you want to be.

In reality, this quality represents your ability to make choices and decisions on your own accord, to exercise control over yourself, and to set goals that develop your skills into greater versions of what they are currently. Being able to direct the course of your own life is your birth-right, but if you don’t take advantage of it and instead choose to blame life circumstances for why you’re where you are, you short-change yourself.

Why Self-Determination Is Important

When it comes to self-development, you have to recognize that you and only you have the power to change where you are in your life.

No matter how many times we want to blame our parents, our ex, or our job for the way we are, the truth remains — we’re responsible for our lives.

In fact, accepting responsibility for who we are now is the key to advancing our lives. If you can’t be honest with yourself, you can’t be successful.

Taking stock of where you are in this moment is powerful. You’re facing your own truth when you do it. You’re saying, “Yes, I am willing to look at my life with an open mind and face what’s there.” This is in stark contrast with ignoring the pain and moving about in life unconsciously.

Additionally, self-determination is the path that leads to true self-development. After all, if you don’t know where you stand you can’t take the steps you need to advance your life.

Why Self-Development Requires It

As a lifelong process, self-development requires constant check-ins with where we are in life. If we aren’t willing to take a stand for our lives and see where we are failing and succeeding, we’ll never get past the most basic issues we face.

Self-development, in most instances, requires you to actively improve your skills and reassess your understanding of the world around you. The primary way you do this is by accepting responsibility for yourself. Instead of looking for excuses, self-development teaches us to look for ways to get it done or to improve who we are.

Over the course of our lives, self-development asks us to:

• Focus on where we are today — since that’s all we can control
• Learn from past experiences, but don’t live in them
• Analyze what we really want and then take steps towards it
• Ask questions and listen intently to the response we receive
• Move past unproductive habits and develop new habits in their place

Without self-determination, we can do none of the above.

What To Do When Someone Holds You Back

Self-determination is typically held back by our own personal insecurities and beliefs, but in some cases, others can stifle our growth. This most often occurs in personal relationships; however, it can also happen at our job.

If you find yourself in a situation that inhibits your self-determination you have two choices a) Learn how to deal with the person and push past their ignorance, or b) Remove them from your life.

Should the person holding you back be a spouse or partner, you may want to consider eliminating them from your life altogether. If that isn’t something you want to do, evaluate how they are holding you back. You may end up discovering that you’re using them as a crutch for what you aren’t doing.

In the workplace, if you find managers and executives are refusing to give you a promotion (which in turn affects your ability to make decisions for your life) you may want to examine why that’s happening. Are you truly doing everything you can to earn a new position? If you are, then it may be time to visit with the HR department. If that doesn’t work, begin looking for a new role. Life is too short to rely on someone else to improve your life.

How To Improve Your Life

If you want to learn how to become a better person, there are countless steps you can take. The first being: hiring a coach to help you. Positive influences are the ticket towards motivation, and for self-development, motivation couldn’t be more important.

Whether you want to become the first female CEO of the company you work for, or if you want to improve your social life, your awareness of your own self-determination lays the groundwork for a better future.

Tell me about where you are on your path to self-development. What role has self-determination played in your journey?

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I know for me, it was all a huge slap in the face – a reminder of every reason I was still mourning the loss of my less than perfect marriage. I was terrified of my life as a single, middle-aged, divorced mother of three. If only I had known then what I know now, I would have saved my tears and relished in making my first declaration of independence.

But it took a lot of healing, self-work, self-love, and many steps forward on my own two feet before I could finally discover what many other women are also finding out about themselves, and about life after divorce.

Women Are Happier Than Men After Divorce

Today’s reality is very different from the stereotypical image of divorced women as bitter and jaded, and divorced men happy to break free of them. As times have changed, as well as  our roles in the workforce and home, studies show that divorced women are now faring much better than men:

• A survey conducted in the US by research firm Avvo found 75% of divorced women reported they had no regrets ending their marriage compared to 61% of divorced men
• A UK study by Kingston University surveyed 10,000 divorced men and women between ages 16 and 60; participants were asked to rate their happiness before and after their divorce, and again the women were found to be much happier for up to five years following the end of their marriages
• The UK study also found that divorced women reported feeling more content than they had in their entire lifetimes; the findings also indicated women were more likely to seek the support of friends, improve their health and lifestyle, seek out new experiences, and discover more about themselves.

Divorced Moms See More Positives In Single Parenting
There is no question that single parenting is a tough and time-consuming job. But parenting is already tough, no what the situation is – and you’re less likely to be a good parent in a bad marriage.

In fact, for many women such as myself, breaking free from an unhappy marriage not only allows us to become better versions of ourselves but much better mothers all around.

Independent Role Models: One of the best gifts a mother can give her children is being a completely whole and healthy adult. An independent woman, who runs her own show and enjoys life is a much better role model than a broken woman clinging to a bad marriage that robs her self-esteem, and has her constantly arguing and exhibiting negative behaviours in front of her kids.

Women Of The House: The best part about being a single mother is running your household and ruling your children the way you think is best. It’s much easier to be a consistent and solid parent on your own turf than with someone constantly questioning your decisions, challenging your authority, and forcing you to compromise your views of what is best for your children

Stronger Connection With Kids: Being yourself and creating a healthy, happy household will allow you to develop a much stronger bond with your children. In fact, children of divorce often develop a stronger relationship with both of their parents because they’re spending more quality, one-on-one time with each parent giving them their focused attention.

Make This Day Your Own
While everyone’s situation is unique and everyone has their own healing process, just know that a much brighter road ahead of you is possible, even though it might be hard to see right now.

The first step is to start from wherever you’re at right now – whether you continue with favorite family traditions or create new ones together, the important thing is to reassure your kids that you are still a family.

Powering success, happiness, and work-life balance.

_{This article was originally published on Sonyan White Coaching blog and has been reposted on Connected Women with the permission of the author.
Edited by: Michelle Sarthou
Image credit: Shutterstock}

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As it turns out, resisting your urge to fight for full custody is not only beneficial for you, but also crucial to your children’s health.

There is no denying that children need their mothers. There is also no denying that children need their fathers. Even on days when it feels like your ex does little more than offer financial assistance, he does more for the stability of your children than you can imagine.

I have worked with countless couples who attempt to blame one another to the point that they can’t stand to share parenting responsibilities. You can move past this urge to blame the other.

The ultimate focus should be on your children and what their needs are. Here are a few specialized reasons why children need their divorced fathers, and how to use that information to build a better relationship with their children.

For Emotional Security

Emotional security is critical for your children to live happy, healthy lives. A recent review of several studies by the Father Involvement Research Alliance showed that babies who have more involved fathers turn out more emotionally secure and confident. Those same little ones grow up to be more sociable individuals.

Not only that, children who have more active fathers end up with higher IQs by the time they turn three years old. This emotional security helps children prepare for school and for time spent away from their parents.

During that same review, they also found that girls with involved fathers had higher self-confidence, and teenage girls were far less likely to become pregnant. Boys also showed less aggression and impulsivity when their fathers were more involved.

It’s rather obvious that keeping children away from their fathers does no one any good. If you think you’re doing your children a favor by reducing their contact with their father, you’re wrong. Of course, there are a few circumstances, such as if your ex is dangerous or in any way harmful for your children, that you would be correct. The vast majority of divorced fathers are still good human beings that can help their children grow into healthy adults.

To Feel Protected

As a divorced mother, you obviously want to keep your children safe. I personally felt very lost after my divorce, and can absolutely relate to your concern about giving your children over to your ex. But you have to.

While this may sting, fathers appear to be better protectors of their children. They offer protection from bullies and bad influences. When fathers are more involved in your children’s lives, they are in a better position to provide real feedback for the challenges they face. Your kids will enjoy greater confidence and know that someone bigger, stronger, and wiser is always in their corner.

Why rob your children of extra support, especially when their lives are already difficult? Being a young person in today’s highly connected world is not easy. If you can give your kids a chance to grow and feel secure in who they are, why wouldn’t you?

Better Behavioral Outcomes

Another key point to keep in mind is the behavior of your children later in life. Studies prove that children who have a powerful bond with their fathers have less behavioral problems, and rarely suffer from alcohol and drug abuse. On the contrary, fathers who are out of the picture put their children at greater risk for dropping out of school or falling into substance abuse.

Some believe that children of divorced fathers are at greater risk for behavioral problems. As it turns out, as long as fathers are actively involved with their children, his relationship with the mother means very little.

Clearly this is amazing news for divorced moms and dads! You don’t have to worry about your relationship issues ever damaging your children’s lives as long as you both play an active role in your kids’ lives. There’s no denying it: Children need their fathers.

Perfection Is Not Necessary

The best part about all this information is that fathers do not have to be perfect to help their children live happy and healthy lives.

No matter what happened between you and your ex, if he’s trying to be in your child’s life you should be thankful. It is a blessing for your children to have a father figure who truly cares about who they are and how their lives are going.

Instead of being negative about how late your ex was to pick up the kids or reinforcing the idea that he doesn’t care, talk about the good things he’s doing. He doesn’t have to be perfect to be a good dad or to have a positive influence on their lives. Pay attention to the good things to get through the bad days of co-parenting.

How You Can Help

There is so much you can do to help this process. No one is denying how critical your role is to your children. However, your ex may need more assistance to stay in your kids’ good graces.

Instead of heading straight to negativity, refuse to focus on your ex’s faults, at least in front of your children. Also, work hard to create a disciplinary plan that you both can agree on. Disagreeing about discipline can seriously damage your efforts as parents. Come together on a co-parenting structure so that your children can live in a consistent environment where rules are enforced.

Are you still struggling to compromise with your ex? What are some other ways you can help support your children’s relationship with their father? Would love to hear your thoughts!

Powering success, happiness, and work-life balance.

_{This article was originally published on Sonyan White Coaching blog and has been reposted on Connected Women with the permission of the author.
Edited by: Michelle Sarthou
Image credit: Shutterstock}

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As a divorced mother, summer also means it’s time to plan your child’s summer break with your ex. Before you start to stress out about having to deal with your ex, take a deep breath. With a bit of planning and forethought, you can enjoy a stress-free summer season.

To get you started on the right foot, I’ve listed a few helpful co-parenting tips below. Each tip is designed to help you plan you and your child’s summer with ease.

1. Coordinate Your Schedules

Summer break isn’t just about your kids. You and your former partner undoubtedly have vacations planned. Start the summer out right by sharing your plans with your former partner in advance. Avoid arguments by reaching out to him a few weeks before you plan to leave for your trip and let him know the exact dates you’ll be gone. Use an online calendar to streamline the process.

A bit of coordination goes a long way towards a peaceful and fun summer for both you and your child.

2. Be Flexible and Patient

Recognise that your ex has his own life now. While you obviously want your child to have an amazing summer, it’s important to be flexible and patient and take a long term perspective and working for the best of all involved.

Co-parenting requires you to be flexible in the face of frustrating circumstances. It isn’t necessarily going to be easy to navigate the summer months while your child is out of school. But if you want to remain stress-free, take my advice: patience is a virtue you want to cultivate.

3. Work Out a Plan for Summer Expenditures

Money is always a sensitive topic. Summer comes with fees from summer camps, excursions, vacations, clothing, amusement park passes and so much more. Set up a plan and an agreement that states how much each side will take care of when the time comes.

For example, you can agree to pay for summer camp while your former partner agrees to take care of all clothing expenses over the summer. What’s most important is that you both keep your money discussions to yourselves and that all your children know is you both care about them having a great summer break.

4. Handle Your Emotions

Sometimes, Summer calls for more time to be spent around your former partner. Don’t use it as an excuse to drum up old emotions and issues.

If you find yourself getting carried away with anger, frustration, sadness or any other negative emotion reach out to someone who loves you. Spill your emotions in a deep conversation, and cry if you must. Whatever you do, don’t let your emotions destroy your summer. Realise that you are stronger than anything you’ve been through and that you can remain calm and move past the pain of your divorce.

Focus on co-parenting for the sake of your children – and the let the rest go.

5. Ask Your Kids What They Want

Don’t forget that the entire purpose of summer break is for your kids to have fun—at least it is in their minds. If you aren’t sure how to divide the schedule or which vacation your children will go on, ask them what they want. School aged children are old enough to make some decisions for themselves, one of them being who they want to spend time with and when. Don’t dictate their summer. Give them a chance to voice their opinion and see if you can accommodate them with your schedule

6. Drop the Competitiveness

Special occasions shouldn’t become a competition for you and your ex-spouse.

Your children want to see you both happy, and real co-parenting goes beyond petty ego-matches. Create a plan and stick to it. If you have a budget for summer break activities, sick to it. If your ex wants to flaunt money on special events, let them. Your children are smart enough to see through anyone who is superficial.

7. Encourage Your Child to See Your Ex

Don’t get caught up in resentful emotions. If your child is hesitant to spend time with your ex do your part to encourage them. Summer is a time for making memories, don’t let them regret it

8. Establish Rules for Your Child

Just because your child is off for summer doesn’t mean all rules are thrown out the window. If you have primary custody of your child, and they will be spending considerable time with your ex over the summer—be sure to communicate your do’s and don’ts with your ex. Do you want your child in bed at a particular time? Are they not allowed to eat certain foods? No list of coparenting tips would be complete without a bit of rule setting.

9. Avoid Negativity

It may be tempting to lose it and speak negatively about your ex to or in front of your child. Avoid this temptation at all costs. Keep things upbeat even when you don’t feel like it.

What are some other tips you plan to use for summer break co-parenting? Share your ideas with me in the comments below.

_{This article was originally published on Sonyan White Coaching blog and has been reposted on Connected Women with the permission of the author.
Edited by: Michelle Sarthou
Image credit: Shutterstock}

The post Co-Parenting During Summer Break: 9 Tips to Keep You Sane! appeared first on Connected Women - Entrepreneurs, Freelancers and Professionals..

Recognise yourself in these scenarios?

• No matter how organised you are about meals, your youngest throws a fit because he wants pizza for dinner. You are tired and you can feel yourself losing your temper. Now, what do you do?

• Your oldest left her soccer bag on the bus, and now you’re racing all over town to find her cleats before the game. You spend the journey time lecturing her about EVERY mistake she has ever made and how you always have to rescue her.

Sometimes, parenting feels like an exhausting test: You are struggling to meet the ever-changing demands and needs of your kids; your patience runs thin; and suddenly you hear yourself using the very words your mother used on you!

You fear you are becoming the parent you promised you would never be – and changing your perspective through gratitude is a powerful way to win throughout the challenges of parenting.

The Power Of Gratitude Is Scientifically Proven

Research shows that the practice of gratitude immediately increases your feelings of happiness and positivity.

It can shift which part of your brain is in charge; this changes your perspective, and improves your response to life’s most difficult challenges.

It Works In The Following Ways:

Feeling Gratitude Is Good For Your Health

Scientists have found that being in a state of gratitude actually shifts our heart into a healthier rhythm (or heart rate variability).

Focusing On The Positive Rewires Your Brain

By simply counting our blessings, we lift ourselves out of our mind’s usual restless state – characterised by anxiety, worry, fear, and rumination – to a state of calm and connection to the wisdom you need to solve your challenge effectively and intelligently.

Gratitude Programmes Our Subconscious To Create More Of What We’re Appreciating At The Time

When we focus on what makes us feel good in the present, our mind holds on to that “picture” – and we begin to act from those positive thoughts.

Our positive actions create more positive energy in our surroundings, and directly affect how others respond to us, including our children.

Three Daily Practices Of Gratitude For Your Family

1. Take Inventory Of Your Blessings Throughout The Day

The morning breeze you wake up to, the sound of your child’s voice, the nourishing meals you have together as a family… The list is endless. This practice of gratitude is especially important in the challenging moments as well. For me, this is the time to be grateful: Grateful that I am alive, grateful that I have a body which functions, grateful that people love me and care about me.

Choosing to be grateful throughout my toughest days has helped to relieve my anxiety and fears. By being grateful, I am able to bypass the negative judgments and the false beliefs trying to convince me that I was doomed.

Choosing gratitude gave me the strength and hope to move forward, and keep on working. It continues to enhance my perspective and expand my world view.

2. Notice What Your Kids Do Right

Practicing gratitude throughout your day not only works to shift your own perspective; it can also be practiced to increase your children’s happiness and improve your relationship with them as well.

It seems to be part of our wiring to focus on our children most when they do something wrong. And if we are exhausted or our patience bucket is empty, we’re likely to respond in a negative way – which we often regret later.

We parents are only human, but it’s up to us to consciously train ourselves to appreciate our loved ones for what they do right.

3. Every Night Before Bed, Write Down Three Things You’re Most Grateful For From That Day

Research shows that people who make note of their blessings immediately feel happier, and stay happier for as long as they continue this practice.

Take Action Challenge:

Turn your attitude of gratitude into a daily family practice, and involve your children in a way that is appropriate to their ages.

For instance, an easy and fun family practice is to install a dry-erase board in your kitchen and have everyone take turns writing down three things they are grateful for that day.

Inspiring gratitude in your children from an early age is one of the greatest gifts that you can give as a parent. Grateful children are not only happier; they develop a positive mindset that will carry them through life.

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