Recently, I had a workshop at the American Association of Singapore and a mentoring session at SCWO (Singapore Council of Women’s Organisations). Different people. Different issues. Different aspirations.

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But one common theme – we all have our own insecurities and, at times, people push our buttons and those insecurities get triggered.

How do you deal with yourself and others when you are in a hot spot? You know, those moments when your heart starts beating faster, you lose the clarity to think and you experience anger, frustration or fear? Some of us might punch a pillow, go for an intense workout, or simply withdraw from such people or situations.

But what if you can’t? And are those the best solutions anyway? What if those people happened to be your colleagues or business partners? Would you rather be triggered in a haste of negative emotions every single time they press that sensitive button or find enough courage to look into yourself and heal that sensitive spot?

If you are a brave one, here’s what you can do:

1. Take Three Deep Breaths Before You Respond

Fire creates more fire. If you feel that you are on fire, because anger, frustration or maybe even fear is eating you up, take three deep breaths – and only then respond. I’ve heard so many times from my clients how one “hot word” triggers the same negative emotion in another person. Or a person who is experiencing fear and, therefore, cannot move forward, might just freeze there in the moment, without knowing what to say or do.

Breathe. It will relax your mind and your body and create space for constructive thoughts and words to come in.

2. Ask Yourself: What Do I Want To Achieve Right Now At This Moment?

Every time you feel like firing back at another person for what’s just been said or done, ask yourself two questions: What is my intention here? andWhat am I creating right here, right now? And only after you have a clear answer in your head, speak and act accordingly.

For example, if your intention is to build a successful company, and you want to create a positive reputation for yourself and your business, yelling (or sending a nasty email) at service providers for not being able to deliver what they have promised might give you some short-term results, but you won’t win in the long run. As Marie Forleo said: “Be nice.The world is a small place.”

3. Follow Through On Your Intention (And Deal With The Feelings Later)

So, what can you do if raising your voice is not a constructive option? Do and say what is required in a given moment to achieve what you are looking for. Let’s say your intention is to complete your current project in a successful way, yet your business partner is not delivering on his/her end. Firing that person is not an option, because you are equal shareholders in the company.

Even though you might feel extremely frustrated with your partner, angry with yourself for getting involved in the project with that person,or even afraid that your company won’t be able to follow through with what you had promised to the investors, remember that these are all just thoughts and emotions. And neither is constructive for you right now.


Your partner has strengths and weaknesses just like you do. You can’t get out of this commitment right now, but you can make it work. Have an honest conversation where you lay out all your frustration on the table (in a calm way) and open a space for the discussion.

4. Sit And Observe Your Negative Emotions

Other people trigger us, but our emotions and reactions are completely ours. Before you start blaming other people for putting you down, not appreciating you enough, making you angry and frustrated, look at yourself first. People are our mirrors. If you dislike what others do to you, remember that you are either doing the same to others or yourself, or both. Spend some time looking into yourself and see what is there. Where is all this anger, frustration and fear coming from? The answer might not be very obvious, but it is definitely worth searching for.

5. Ask Yourself: What Is The Lesson/Opportunity Here? 

Even though you might not see one right now, there is a lesson and an opportunity right there – in the most uncomfortable moment, the most unpleasant conversation, with the most disliked person. Are you tired of being triggered by other people? Do you want to put your anger, frustration and fear behind you once and for all? Then you need to look for those lessons. Once you identify the first one, negative emotions and reactions will start stepping aside and you will start having more space and freedom to create what you really want to have in business and life!

Visit Yana Fry Coaching page to find out more about Yana's work.

_{This post was first published on Yana Fry blog and has been reposted on Executive Lifestyle with the permission of the author.
Edited by Nedda Chaplin}

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