Many of us secretly wish we could be better in bed.

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Our concerns vary broadly.

Some worry about size, others about endurance.

Some worry about body image, others about skills.

Some worry about orgasms, others about unwanted pregnancies.

Men and women alike often lack the information that is sufficient to build healthy, reasonable expectations about sex and end up stressed and dissatisfied with their sex lives.

“If only she were a bit wilder, I’d feel more excited.”

“Will he see my fat/ugly bits?”

“Am I going to last long enough for her to have her orgasm?”

“Am I doing it right?”

“Will she think I am big enough?”

“How can I please him more than all the other women he slept with before me?”

“Should I go faster, harder, slower, softer?”

“My boobs are too small. My ass is too big.”

The worrying, the thinking, the misplaced expectations and the wishful thinking take us away from the very thing we seek: A fulfilling sex life.

Spending so much time monitoring the situation and thinking about next steps, concerns and ideas, takes the energy away from being sexual and being in the moment, which is where the pleasure happens.

Regardless of our current situation, we already possess the ingredients to be great lovers. We don’t need specific physical attributes or an encyclopaedic knowledge of the erotic art.

Here a few pointers to become even better in bed.

Play With Giving And Receiving

There are a million things to communicate with your partner when it comes to sex. To begin with, have a little conversation about giving and receiving.

Purposely have encounters where you agree to stick to one role and enjoy the full experience of giving or receiving.

Next time swap roles and discover how you can complement each other.

Introduce New Ideas

We are easily attracted to novel things, and sex is no different. Not many enjoy a sex life that always, or exclusively, revolves around the missionary position.

Habits can makes us complacent. Whether it is the way we masturbate or the way we touch our partner, we often follow the same routine.

Explore the possibility to introduce new ideas.

As long as you both consent, anything goes. Be curious, be innovative and openly communicate your intentions, so you can both decide what works best.

Toys, role-plays and power play are a few suggestions to get started.

Read Erotica

Most of us are caught by the whirlwind of daily life and seldom actively focus on our sex lives.

Notice how I said “actively”. It’s one thing to have fleeting thoughts about sex; it is entirely another to actively think about it and plan the next hot encounter with ourselves or our partners.

Reading erotica (there are enough genres to cater to everyone’s taste) is an entertaining way to engage your mind in sexual thoughts and to get new ideas.

Noises Are Good

Noises are good, they communicate our pleasure to our partners, but they also open a new channel of connectedness to our own pleasure.

While it is not everyone’s cup of tea, naturally and genuinely expressing your pleasure through words, groans and sounds during sex, can make your partner wild and can also be auto-erotic.

And if you are lucky enough to have no neighbours, or to have walls as thick as the vault of the Federal Reserve Bank, let yourself loose and produce as many decibels as you can… it can be quite liberating!

Ultimately, just play!

Most importantly, loosen up with all the worries and expectations. Approach your sexual encounters as play, with a free heart and a curious mind, and get ready to have some fun!

I base my posts on real case studies and I regularly write about relationship, leadership and sexuality questions. If you would like to read my future posts, or have me  help you answer similar questions, please contact me!

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