For 10 weeks, my exercise routine gradually withered away, until the only movement I was doing was walking in slow motion and getting in and out of my bed, and on or off chairs.

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The next two weeks, thanks to 10 steroid injections along my spine and great physio, I started taking walks and even doing some short happy dances at home.

I lost lots of muscles. My once hard thighs and relatively tight butt softened to a dough-like consistency. I couldn’t even stand on my left leg without losing balance. My triceps and biceps also shrunk, although they still remained toned.

Whatever movement I could do, I was joyful. I felt a new level of humility. I didn’t compare. I didn’t judge. I didn’t envy. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I did. Just much less so. But at times, like today, I have moments where I am desperate to do some hardcore squats and kicks.

Instead, I have accepted where I am and am grateful. Very grateful.

Do I feel fit? Fitness has taken a different definition. It has become directly linked to my gratitude to simply be able to move. I have learned that whilst my physical limits are more limited, my mental and emotional fitness has grown massively in strength.

With this spiritual growth, I find myself baffled when friends, who haven’t seen me in some weeks, say, “OMG Pauliina, you look SOOO fit.”

Excuse me? What? Can you see inside me?

It continues. “Wow, what have you been doing? Now you look so fit!”

Oh no. Women are actually measuring my fitness based on my thinner state.

This is so wrong. What does it tell my two girls?

Let me remind you all: Just because I lost weight, doesn’t mean I’m fitter. On the contrary, I’m physically weaker than before.

If you could see inside my mind and soul, you would see that I AM fitter, just in an invisible way. Although, actually, inner fitness radiates out in that glow and energetic positivity that people do pick up on.

Interestingly, into the thirteenth week since the “collapse”, with 3 very successful weeks of physio behind me, my core is strengthening and I am finding joy in the simplest of movement. Even on a physical level, my feeling of fitness has focused on minute internal muscle work. I feel physically fitter again. The way things are evolving, I am excited to see how my experience of fitness will continue to evolve.

Do you think thin is fit? What does fitness mean to you? Do you feel your definition of fitness evolving as you grow older?

Visit the R.A.W. Inside Out page to find out more about Pauliina's work.