Eager to have a fling in the sky? Ever wondered how couples actually do it? Here are great insights on how you can achieve love at 40,000 ft in the air.

 

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“Two hot tips for mile-high success: Night flights only, and pack the lubricant.”

“Most exciting, uncomfortable sexual experience ever!”

As most of you know, I spent the better part of my adult life as a glamorous flight attendant, so I would like to think I know a fair bit about the ins & outs of how to travel – from taking with you a thick pashmina that acts as both an eye mask & blanket, to smearing paw paw around your eyes and lips to ensure you wake up fresh and hydrated.

And as you can imagine, I have witnessed numerous attempts of people trying to join the elusive Mile-High Club!

In my years, I have seen, stopped, and perhaps aided couples attempting to indulge in what can only be described as the most exciting, uncomfortable sexual experience ever. It’s not the easiest to do, especially since the majority of us cannot afford first class suites where it IS easy! (Note: There are cameras AND if the cabin crew are tall, we can see in – I did twice and maybe followed up by watching it on the monitor. What? Sex interests me!)

So read on as I give you the hot tips on how to “get laid on a plane”.

Plan & Preparation

Commit! If you and your partner are going to do this, you must be in it to win it – and completely committed. Decide on the best practice for you both, and stand firm.

Pack a small lubricant. Most lubes come in under 100ML – don’t forget liquids should be in a clear plastic bag. Something like DEFENSE which is 50ml – antibacterial and incognito is a good option.

Ladies, be sure to dress for success, and wear clothing that is easily lifted up or pulled down. Since it is a long flight, you might want to wear compression tights; this is fine, but leave it for after your play session – this could be a scapegoat for you! – to avoid walking out afterwards complaining to the person waiting, “Gee, these compression tights are tough to get on once in the sky.”

The Right Flight & Place

Let’s be frank: This will NOT work if you are on a day flight. It’s too bright, and passengers plus the crew are way too alert. Your best bet is to do it on a long fight – anything above five hours, in the dead of the night.

On night flights, you’re fed, the lights are switched off, and cabin crew go into chill mode. On ultra-long-haul flights half of them are taking well-deserved breaks, and are less likely to catch you!

Pick the right lavatory – did you know that on an AirBus 380 the two toilets in the middle of the aircraft have a door that can be opened so you can enter the toilet next to it? Yep, one huge double mega toilet for you both. So if you are travelling on an A380 – your option is set!

Boeing Aircraft? Anything in the middle of the aircraft is your spot! It is darkest there and generally, no cabin crew are around after the service. Avoid toilets near galleys where the crew can be. Oh, hot tip: The brand new Boeing 777 has a disabled toilet, left hand side of the plane, fourth door in. There are only five doors so it is the one just before the end of the plane.

Those travelling in first or business – it is so much harder for you. You’re better off heading back to economy! The first class and business class toilets are always located near the galley, and that is where the crew live – you’ve got no chance – unless you’re on a A380 and can use the shower spa in first class. But, again, this is for the minority and #boring. Too easy – you want excitement and awkwardness, right?

Timing Is Everything

I know you’re both nervous and eager, but jumping the gun too early could cause you as much pain as entering too early – if you get me **wink wink**. Most aircraft service generally flows as follows:

• Take-off

• Food and drinks service

• EVERYONE gets up for the toilet

• Lights off

Lights off is your time – but again, don’t rush. Kindly ask the cabin crew for another wine or beverage of choice, and then start some quiet dirty talk and light stroking. Be considerate and keep it as discreet as possible – under the blanket and at a whisper!

About 30-45mins after the lights have gone out is perfect, as other passengers are asleep or engrossed in their movie, and the crew have eaten, become chatty with each other, and may have even gone for a nap!

Now is your chance – and don’t forget your lubricant!

If on the A380, go on a separate aisle to each other; and if you have to wait because one is occupied, be patient, stand to the side, and pretend to stretch so it doesn’t look like you’re waiting. When both in the clear, go in and breathe, slowly unlock the middle door – there is a small handle in the middle and some latch locks at the top. Each aircraft is different, but it does not take an engineer to work this out, you’ll be fine!

Boeing – do a quick look around and just go for it!

Tactics & Excuses

If someone comes knocking on that door, be prepared. Yep, it sucks that you got caught, but here are two brilliant excuses to help soften the embarrassment:

• Female: Sit on a closed toilet seat with sick bag around mouth, with the male reassuring and taking care of you. (Make it look like you’re taking care of your “wife”- use the early pregnancy card. You’re just a supportive husband aren’t you?)

• Remember the compression tights comment? You’re assisting again, while your newly pregnant partner is putting her compression tights on; after all, DVT is a real risk when pregnant!

By now, you’re probably excited and considering what positions to do! That’s a story for another day. Don’t worry, I’ll release it soon!

In the meantime, just lament over the excitement of wanting to do it and setting a plan of attack!

Let me reiterate my two HOT TIPS: night flights only and pack the lubricant.

Happy flying!